Pancakes & Puns

First things first. I just visited www.facebook.com/tampax because of a Spotify commercial. All I heard was “resealable wrappers so your period is invisible” and I really wanna know how resealing your tampon wrapper makes your blood flow disappear. 

Incase you were wondering the Facebook page was total BS and told me nothing. I’ll keep my ears peeled though and keep y’all posted on this tampon phenom.

I would just like to quote my favorite seven year old Christian real quick. This was all in one car ride from his baseball game: 

“How many MPH do raindrops travel?”

“Are monsterella sticks kinda like cheese sticks but bigger?” 

“What do you think George Washington looked like when he walked? I mean there’s no videos of him.”

“Has a bear ever attacked a car on the road?”

“Besides Kansas whats the next most likely state for a twister to hit?” 

I’m also kinda wondering if a bear has ever attacked a moving car and I definitely wanna know if our founding fathers had a hitch in their giddy up.

Pondering, always pondering,

MH 

I run on occasion. And by occasion I mean barely ever, and by run I mean walk sort of fast.

Regardless though, it’s enough to burn like 10 calories a minute. And if my math is correct, that means I can burn off a large sweet tea in about 40 minutes. 

But EVEN though it’s just brisk walking pace, I get out of breath. And I’ve got my headphones in and stuff. And JT is a’ blarin, and I am very unaware of how loud I am inhaling and exhaling.

Sorry guys. Just cause I’m listening to FutureSex//LoveSounds doesn’t mean I need to be mimicking it with my breathing patterns. 

Rock that body,

Mal How 

I don’t know a lot of things about anything. I’m still trying to figure out the back story behind how fractions got figured out, and I don’t really understand how computers work other than the power on/off button. And actually I don’t even understand how that works I just know how to push it. 

In addition to these things I don’t, there are some things I do. I know that Shirley Temple is the cutest person ever, that 4 pancakes is always better than 1, and that Hilary Duff’s first album spoke to my heart more than anything else EVER did in 2002. 

But all those things I do and don’t know don’t really matter. Shirley Temple probably wasn’t the cutest person ever, Eve probably was…because she was probably perfect before she messed things up for herself and her family. (Her family being you and I.) Four pancakes is normally always better than 1 unless the 3 proceeding the 1 have nuts in them or something, and Hilary Duff probably didn’t actually speak to my heart, she spoke to my ears via my awesome flower shaped headphones I had plugged into my discman. 

What I do know is this:

God’s plan is indescribably perfect. He’s infinite knowledge of the in’s and out’s of our hearts is so vast (…infinite.) that he can literally use emotional and physical pain to teach us more about Him and ourselves. 

Are you serious? Is that not mind blowing? Our Father is so incredibly in control of everything that he can take a circumstance that any other person would consider destructive and make us something beautiful out of it. 

Sometimes things aren’t always easy breezy beautiful cover girl around these here parts, but no matter what Jesus is holding my heart and knows exactly where I’m going. Thankful. 

If you live in America and know what politically correct even SORTA means. You know that everybody is super freaked out and totally against spanking kids. Everybody except my parents and myself as a future parent.

Not about to pretend like I wasn’t against spanking when this first became an issue 15ish years ago or whatever..but that’s because I was a kid. And I was getting spanked. And my parents really were a fan of spanking. Not in an abusive way or whatever…just like..that’s all that worked to get me to shut my trap. Weird I know. 

Here’s something else you know. Putting on sunscreen is really annoying if it’s not in those nice aerosol bottles that cost $11.99 and last for like a day. I seriously will not wear anything above SPF 4 if it comes out of a bottle because I WILL miss spots and have really weird handprints in really weird spaces.

THESE TWO TIE TOGETHER WAIT A SECOND OK

So I was babysitting this morning as I do many mornings, and I was applying sunscreen to 3 young children because they had field day today. And I got extremely terrified.

Why? Because nothing would be worse to their parents coming home to huge handprints on their precious darling’s faces that make it appear like I hauled off and slapped them. Super scary. 

So what did I do? Put so much sunscreen on them by the time they got on the bus they still looked like they had a facial mask on. 

Chill out kids you’re in elementary school worse things are gonna happen to you.

Calm and collectively yours,

Mal How 

Here’s my two cents and you can keep it free of charge.

I absolutely hate it when people chew gum in my presence. I probably need to schedule day long sessions with my therapist about it. The sounds you make are disgusting and I can think of example after example that proves that nobody wants to hear that. Ever seen a gum commerical? Yes you have. Ever heard them actually chewing the gum? No. 

Gum serves the purpose of making your mouth taste/smell better. (I’m more concerned with how my mouth tastes because I can’t smell my own mouth. Selfish?) 

With this hypothesis being declared, let’s talk about the false theory that somebody made up that you chew on it for longer than it takes to chew up a chicken nugget. Nobody ever said chewing gum was for long term gnawing.

Dear ones, chew your gum until your taste buds are thoroughly minty, then dispose of it. 

Also, don’t even chew bubble gum you know it tastes bad. 

-Mal O How 

Saturday’s are for playing disc golf with your best friends.

Ok. That’s a lie.

Saturday’s are for waking up at 10 and making an emergency run to Krispy Kreme because your iPhone app just informed you that the HOT SIGN is on. Yes ma’am. Hot ‘n Ready.

So since today is saturday, and since iPhone’s never lie, I fell out of bed and drove to my nearest KK. (That means Krispy Kreme if  you’re a rookie.)

So I pull up at the drive-thru, and I realize that I’ve never been the one actually ordering the goods before. And I also realize that figuring out how many doughnuts to get for two is hard. 

AND THEN I realized that I don’t know how to spell doughnut. Donut. Dough-Nut. A Nut of Dough. Who the heck invented spelling? 

Alright alright alright, so one of us wants chocolate glazed and the other one wants plain glazed, soo…we’ll probably both eat like 2ish (ahem…4-6) donuts, and then you can always stick them in the microwave for a snack later soo……

A dozen of each. Yep. That’s the correct amount. 

Incase you are wondering I’m writing the post from the bathroom while I throw up a box of glazed donuts. 

-Mal How 

Do you guys ever think about the past? 

Like what would have happened if Chris Brown would have been dating someone else? 

What if it hadn’t have been Rihanna he beat the you know what out of?

What if it has been Tyra Banks?

Seriously……..

He would have lost. 

Pretty positive he’d be dead. Pretty dang positive. 

Lesson in this? Always be bigger than your boyfriend. Which is an awesome rule. AND an easy one if you live in Nashville because all boys here are pocket sized. 

XO,

Mal How 

Hunger Pains.

I mean I thought it was a literary classic when I read the books. Probably because it’s the first series of books I’ve read since Beezus and Ramona. 

But the movie?

Oh boy. 

First off total props to them for using the same camera men as they used in Cloverfield. I love that effect.

Second off, kudos for making Peeta seem like a girl. 

“Here Katniss. Let me rub some blood around this cut on your forehead, and then we shall kiss, for we are madly in love sort of.” 

“Yes Katniss, I will take my life with you by eating these blueberries, but first, let me touch your braid, then I will be ready to leave this world.” 

Other than that super cool movie I love when they push Kato off the metal thing. His mannerisms freak me out.

On my mind currently: How much I hate that everytime I think of an invention it turns out it’s already been invented and every single time it some how relates to the fanny pack. I just need to buy one of those.